There are so many exciting things happening right now- I’m leaving for Berlin, Prague, Budapest, and London in 3 days! I’ve been to Wales since the last entry, which was mind-blowingly amazing. BUT. On my mind: I miss these dorks so much. All these things happening that I should be excited about and thus write about, but I can’t help missing their company. Especially right now when I’m just sitting alone in my cold cold cold room. I could really use some mindless talking. I chat online with either one of them probably once in every two days. Today I talked longer than usual with both of them and it really hit me. I can’t believe I am not there for my friend when she is going through a tough time. It’s not a major crisis or anything, but… It’s just bizzare that I care so much but it’s really physically impossible for me to be there for her. People say all the time that it’s the thought that counts. Yeah. Thought counts.. but you have to be physically there to make that thought into a meaningful action. Physical presence. So obviously powerful. We talk about how powerful abstract things like feelings and thoughts are. But would our friendship stay as strong if I stayed here forever and never saw them again, but still cared and thought about them?

There are so many exciting things happening right now-

I’m leaving for Berlin, Prague, Budapest, and London in 3 days!

I’ve been to Wales since the last entry, which was mind-blowingly amazing.

BUT.

On my mind: I miss these dorks so much.

All these things happening that I should be excited about and thus write about, but I can’t help missing their company.

Especially right now when I’m just sitting alone in my cold cold cold room.

I could really use some mindless talking.

I chat online with either one of them probably once in every two days.

Today I talked longer than usual with both of them and it really hit me.

I can’t believe I am not there for my friend when she is going through a tough time.

It’s not a major crisis or anything, but…

It’s just bizzare that I care so much but it’s really physically impossible for me to be there for her.

People say all the time that it’s the thought that counts.

Yeah. Thought counts.. but you have to be physically there to make that thought into a meaningful action.

Physical presence. So obviously powerful.

We talk about how powerful abstract things like feelings and thoughts are.

But would our friendship stay as strong if I stayed here forever and never saw them again, but still cared and thought about them?

I think the fit of this study abroad program to me is how these pair of shoes are to my feet. I got these shoes on Etsy.com… I had no idea how they would fit on me, but I bought them out of impulse even though it was a little pricy. They were horrible for the couple of days.  They’re really good quality shoes, no doubt, but they were just too tight on the front.  By the end of the first day with these shoes, my feet hurt so bad I had trouble walking without cringing my whole body. I kept wearing them though. I could have gone downtown to buy a pair of sneakers or something, but I just kept wearing them. The day before I left for Wales, I seriously considered wearing my sandals instead because I knew I would be hiking and walking a lot around the castle area.  I woke up 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave, so out of panic, I squeezed my swollen feet into these shoes again and ran out to catch the bus. I walked around a lot in Wales and the shoes bothered me for a couple of hours. I was consciously thinking about the pain in my feet even when I was on one of England’s most gorgeous train ride to the coast of Wales.  By the end of the night though, the pain was just gone.  The shoes must have stretched or my feet must have shrunk…or my feet must have gone numb. They fit like regular shoes now. I mean they don’t make my feet feel amazingly comfortable as hiking shoes should, but they just fit like regular sneakers. So I guess things in life, like this study abroad program, are a lot like fitting into shoes. Obviously, you can’t fit into a wrong size and you can’t wear heels if you have deformed feet like mine.   But there are shoes sometimes that fit you but still make you uncomfortable. You usually either give up on them or keep wearing them to stretch them.. These shoes have definitely stretched. I have high hopes that they will stretch enough soon to become one of the most comfortable and amazing shoes I own.

I think the fit of this study abroad program to me is how these pair of shoes are to my feet.

I got these shoes on Etsy.com… I had no idea how they would fit on me, but I bought them out of impulse even though it was a little pricy.

They were horrible for the couple of days.  They’re really good quality shoes, no doubt, but they were just too tight on the front.  By the end of the first day with these shoes, my feet hurt so bad I had trouble walking without cringing my whole body.

I kept wearing them though. I could have gone downtown to buy a pair of sneakers or something, but I just kept wearing them.

The day before I left for Wales, I seriously considered wearing my sandals instead because I knew I would be hiking and walking a lot around the castle area.  I woke up 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave, so out of panic, I squeezed my swollen feet into these shoes again and ran out to catch the bus.

I walked around a lot in Wales and the shoes bothered me for a couple of hours. I was consciously thinking about the pain in my feet even when I was on one of England’s most gorgeous train ride to the coast of Wales.  By the end of the night though, the pain was just gone. 

The shoes must have stretched or my feet must have shrunk…or my feet must have gone numb.

They fit like regular shoes now.

I mean they don’t make my feet feel amazingly comfortable as hiking shoes should, but they just fit like regular sneakers.

So I guess things in life, like this study abroad program, are a lot like fitting into shoes.

Obviously, you can’t fit into a wrong size and you can’t wear heels if you have deformed feet like mine.  

But there are shoes sometimes that fit you but still make you uncomfortable.

You usually either give up on them or keep wearing them to stretch them..

These shoes have definitely stretched.

I have high hopes that they will stretch enough soon to become one of the most comfortable and amazing shoes I own.

Picadilly. hahahahahahahahahahahah what a blatantly British name. I love it. I love sitting on the left side of the 2nd floor on the blue magic bus and looking out the window on my way to Picadilly. I’ve only done it three times so far, but I have a feeling I’m going to like it a lot. It’s going to be one of those random things I’m going to miss once I go back. I’m going to miss it like going cookie shopping at a grocery store in Mongolia and making myself goat-milk butter sandwich for lunch.  I can’t believe it’s only been 6 days since I’ve been here. It feels as if I’ve lived here for a month.  It’s definitely exciting here and this place definitely makes me stay on top of my toes all day, but I do miss the comfort and the familiarity back home.  Being in a new place really makes you tired and can bring out the worse in you. For me… like small talk. blending in with the group. I really do love everyone here. They’re so fun, genuine, and considerate. I just have a hard time being myself in front of them.  I know I’m not a quiet person, but I don’t know why I’m so quiet all the time! It’s the weirdest thing. I just don’t know what to talk about, and I’m worried that people are going to think that I don’t want to be with them or I don’t care to put in an effort to be friendly with them. Strangely, if I pass a certain point with a person, I instantly become myself and become really dorky. I wish I can be like that instantly.  Going to new places and meeting new people make me realize that about myself… I don’t like it. Anyways, I love Picadilly. I got lost near the station yesterday and I had a lot of fun.  It was not a leisurely-fun feeling, because it was getting dark and I was walking home alone without much money. A Pakistani woman kept following me to beg for some change and people seemed too busy to tell me the directions to the Oxford Road.  But I liked the fact that I walked in two full circles like an idiot because I didn’t want to ask for directions. How stupid. I don’t know what the theme of this journal entry is. I love Picadilly and the left side of the 2nd floor on the magic bus. I hate discovering things about myself that are too obvious to ignore. I’m off to Wales tomorrow. I reaalllly love Picadilly. I’m going to go there after school every day and walk around and go to all the free art galleries and get lost and walk in circles again.

Picadilly. hahahahahahahahahahahah what a blatantly British name.

I love it.

I love sitting on the left side of the 2nd floor on the blue magic bus and looking out the window on my way to Picadilly.

I’ve only done it three times so far, but I have a feeling I’m going to like it a lot. It’s going to be one of those random things I’m going to miss once I go back. I’m going to miss it like going cookie shopping at a grocery store in Mongolia and making myself goat-milk butter sandwich for lunch. 

I can’t believe it’s only been 6 days since I’ve been here. It feels as if I’ve lived here for a month.  It’s definitely exciting here and this place definitely makes me stay on top of my toes all day, but I do miss the comfort and the familiarity back home.  Being in a new place really makes you tired and can bring out the worse in you.

For me… like small talk. blending in with the group.

I really do love everyone here. They’re so fun, genuine, and considerate. I just have a hard time being myself in front of them.  I know I’m not a quiet person, but I don’t know why I’m so quiet all the time! It’s the weirdest thing. I just don’t know what to talk about, and I’m worried that people are going to think that I don’t want to be with them or I don’t care to put in an effort to be friendly with them. Strangely, if I pass a certain point with a person, I instantly become myself and become really dorky. I wish I can be like that instantly.  Going to new places and meeting new people make me realize that about myself… I don’t like it.

Anyways, I love Picadilly. I got lost near the station yesterday and I had a lot of fun.  It was not a leisurely-fun feeling, because it was getting dark and I was walking home alone without much money. A Pakistani woman kept following me to beg for some change and people seemed too busy to tell me the directions to the Oxford Road.  But I liked the fact that I walked in two full circles like an idiot because I didn’t want to ask for directions. How stupid.

I don’t know what the theme of this journal entry is.

I love Picadilly and the left side of the 2nd floor on the magic bus.

I hate discovering things about myself that are too obvious to ignore.

I’m off to Wales tomorrow.

I reaalllly love Picadilly. I’m going to go there after school every day and walk around and go to all the free art galleries and get lost and walk in circles again.

Have you ever thought back on the most significant part of your day and wished you had taken a picture of it? Well, this picture is not it. I took this about 30 minutes before that moment happened.  This picture makes me sad.  It actually has absolutely no relevance to what happened. I wish I had taken a picture of myself (somehow) talking to a random Indian guy I met at the Chicago airport food court. I was munching on a chicken ceasar salad when the Indian man (I forgot his name, but I have his business card in my wallet) sat across from me about ten minutes later. I was about done eating all the crutons and the chicken and leaving all the lettuce behind when he asked if I ate healthy all the time, or only when I traveled. I didn’t understand him at first because of his slight accent, but I asked again. I’m so bad at small talk. It makes my toes curl. I just don’t do well with strangers…and small talk..especially small talk in English? Oh man. Korean, I can get away with.  Anyways, I just answered no, just today.. this salad actually tastes really bad. I expected that to awkwardly end the conversation.  I was planning to just casually get up and kill another two hours on facebook before my connecting flight. But it just happened from there.  Before I knew it, I was talking about how I’m from Los Angeles going to school in New York who initially wanted to go to India study abroad but am now going to Manchester study abroad instead.  I was just blabbering about how my major is Psychology even when I’m not that interested or good at Psychology, and how insecure I am about my future or what I am even doing or how I am feeling about myself right now.  He was apparently a software engineer at Dell (wow) and was coming from a business conference from Shanghai.  Born and raised in India, initially a chemistry engineering major, wasted a couple of years on wandering around, and finally nailed on becoming a software engineer.  He casually sipped on his beer, told me not to worry and just do what I feel like at the moment (unless you have a very poor family to support right after graduation—hmm is that me?).  He was so impressed that I had seen the Bollywood movie “Three Idiots” and told me that all the Shanghai women he met thought Korean women were the most beautiful. He was just.. really charming. Dapper! haha Very neat-looking. Handsome, even. I later found out that he’s married, which made feel really sad and weird for thinking that he was hitting on me. It could have been in my head. Maybe he’s just friendly and charming to everyone. Anyways, the point is that I had a heartfelt conversation that I really needed to have about life’s insecurities with a (handsome) man that I met at the airport.   I mean I’ve tried this with my parents, but it was just not the same. They tell me all the important stuff- about how I have to think about what I really want and take some time off.. blah blah blah.  So unconvincing. Coming from a random software engineer, it was just different. He made me feel like okay to not know yet. I mean I think I seriously have a problem with being neutral all the time- but I guess I really need more time.  After all, all that traveling he did was worth it and he loves his career.  He gave me his business card and his e-mail address.  He told me to keep in touch and let him know if I ever plan a trip to India- he’ll be my personal tour guide.  I haven’t found him on facebook or even taken a second look at that business card yet.  I think I’m just going to leave it deep inside my coupon pocket in my wallet until I randomly find it one day. So I’m here in Manchester now. Typing away and listening to the rain drops falling on my windowpane.  It’s been three days and a lot of important things have happened since. I mean I’m in a different country with a whole bunch of new people! But honestly, I can’t get that moment (and him) out of my head.

Have you ever thought back on the most significant part of your day and wished you had taken a picture of it?

Well, this picture is not it. I took this about 30 minutes before that moment happened.  This picture makes me sad.  It actually has absolutely no relevance to what happened.

I wish I had taken a picture of myself (somehow) talking to a random Indian guy I met at the Chicago airport food court. I was munching on a chicken ceasar salad when the Indian man (I forgot his name, but I have his business card in my wallet) sat across from me about ten minutes later.

I was about done eating all the crutons and the chicken and leaving all the lettuce behind when he asked if I ate healthy all the time, or only when I traveled.

I didn’t understand him at first because of his slight accent, but I asked again.

I’m so bad at small talk. It makes my toes curl. I just don’t do well with strangers…and small talk..especially small talk in English? Oh man. Korean, I can get away with. 

Anyways, I just answered no, just today.. this salad actually tastes really bad.

I expected that to awkwardly end the conversation.  I was planning to just casually get up and kill another two hours on facebook before my connecting flight.

But it just happened from there.  Before I knew it, I was talking about how I’m from Los Angeles going to school in New York who initially wanted to go to India study abroad but am now going to Manchester study abroad instead.  I was just blabbering about how my major is Psychology even when I’m not that interested or good at Psychology, and how insecure I am about my future or what I am even doing or how I am feeling about myself right now. 

He was apparently a software engineer at Dell (wow) and was coming from a business conference from Shanghai.  Born and raised in India, initially a chemistry engineering major, wasted a couple of years on wandering around, and finally nailed on becoming a software engineer.  He casually sipped on his beer, told me not to worry and just do what I feel like at the moment (unless you have a very poor family to support right after graduation—hmm is that me?).  He was so impressed that I had seen the Bollywood movie “Three Idiots” and told me that all the Shanghai women he met thought Korean women were the most beautiful.

He was just.. really charming. Dapper! haha Very neat-looking. Handsome, even.

I later found out that he’s married, which made feel really sad and weird for thinking that he was hitting on me.

It could have been in my head. Maybe he’s just friendly and charming to everyone.

Anyways, the point is that I had a heartfelt conversation that I really needed to have about life’s insecurities with a (handsome) man that I met at the airport.  

I mean I’ve tried this with my parents, but it was just not the same. They tell me all the important stuff- about how I have to think about what I really want and take some time off.. blah blah blah.  So unconvincing.

Coming from a random software engineer, it was just different.

He made me feel like okay to not know yet. I mean I think I seriously have a problem with being neutral all the time- but I guess I really need more time.  After all, all that traveling he did was worth it and he loves his career. 

He gave me his business card and his e-mail address.  He told me to keep in touch and let him know if I ever plan a trip to India- he’ll be my personal tour guide. 

I haven’t found him on facebook or even taken a second look at that business card yet.  I think I’m just going to leave it deep inside my coupon pocket in my wallet until I randomly find it one day.

So I’m here in Manchester now. Typing away and listening to the rain drops falling on my windowpane. 

It’s been three days and a lot of important things have happened since.

I mean I’m in a different country with a whole bunch of new people!

But honestly, I can’t get that moment (and him) out of my head.

notoriouskad: Some nights i can’t sleep because my mind is consumed with the thought of how much easier it would be if you were by my side. 

notoriouskad:

Some nights i can’t sleep because my mind is consumed with the thought of how much easier it would be if you were by my side.